NO SLEEP!!!

Levi and Lucy were doing pretty well with their sleeping. Once and a while one of them would do a seven hour stretch (this sounds really awesome but usually I was still up with the other one at least once.....man, one baby sounds really easy right now!). I was feeling good. We were on the right path. And then it happened...... My mom left (I have a whole post I want to do about her, but I've spent a week on it and only have a few lines....NO TIME) Since my mom left the babies have gone into sleep protest, they won't sleep 'till she comes back!.....No joke, that's what their picketing signs say ;)

Alright enough with this cute stuff!

Here are the facts....

The babies were doing pretty good with sleeping, now they are not!

I am tired,

Daddy is tired,

We are not having fun!

This will pass....

Someday.

But today we are tired!

On a happy note

Today is my Father-in-law's birthday. Happy Birthday Dennis!!! Thank you for all the sleepless nights you spent with Ryan!

Anxiety/Six weeks

I hesitate to write this post because I don't want to offend anyone and I don't want to sound like a total weirdo! But I've been very candid as of late, so why stop now!?!

My anxiety started when Ezra was a baby. Someone held him for a really long time(no I will not tell you who this person is so don't ask). This was almost two years ago but I can remember it as if it just happened. As this person was holding him I remember thinking over and over give me my baby back, give me my baby back! I did not feel comfortable voicing this out loud, so I sat in silence. When I got Ezra back he no longer smelled like my sweet baby, he smelled like the person who had been holding him. After they left I lost it! I bawled for quite a while. Some animal instinct was unleashed within me. You know how they tell you not to touch kittens when they are first born, because the mother cat will reject them and eat them. Of course you all know I didn't eat Ezra.....I'm not that crazy! So because of this experience combined with a few others and just my "weird" feelings (I don't blame anyone for my "issue"!), I do NOT like ANYONE holding my babies! In fact I would use the word hate. The ONLY exception, goes to the people who live under my roof. I know some of you think I'm crazy because you are thinking, What is the big deal with people holding your baby? I don't know. Others are thinking, Just ask for your baby back or say no when they ask hold the baby. It's your baby. I feel uncomfortable doing this. I feel like people will be thinking.....What's her problem, or man she's selfish. Now if a complete stranger asked me to hold my baby I would have no problem saying no. Saying no to a family member or close friend is just hard for me. So, I say yes. I say yes out of obligation. I say yes so I'm not thought of as rude or weird. I KNOW there are people out there who do not think I am weird or rude because they they feel the same way. To those people I say....I feel your pain! For those who think I'm CRAZY and have no idea what this feels like let me try and shed some light...... I can't really explain why I have SO much anxiety. This is something I ask myself over and over.

Whenever we are having visitors over or we are going to a friend or family members house (anywhere where people I know will be ) I freak out! Ryan literally gives me a pep talk and holds me as I cry. Just thinking about people touching my baby/babies or holding them is enough to make me breakdown and cry. So that's before the visit. During the visit if Ryan or I are holding the baby/babies I'm nervous thinking......ok I know they want to hold the baby, but I really don't want them to. If someone else is holding the baby/babies I'm thinking....I hope they give me the baby back soon, how long are they going to stay, I can do this, and much more. Sometimes I just talk a lot to try and block out these thoughts and feelings, other times I just kind of shut down and just hope it will be over soon. I do ok if someone holds them for a minute or two (under five minutes). Ok. Anything longer then that I'm totally freaking out. I "need" them to check in with me or Ryan, I need to reconnect. I HATE when my baby gets passed around like a football, everyone holding them, everyone but me! As far as kissing goes I don't freak out too bad if a family member gives them a kiss on the top of the head. Anyone kissing them on the face or hands FREAKS me out, I hate people kissing all over them!!! I wonder if they have been sick, has anyone in their family been sick, are they getting sick and don't yet know it, most of all I'm thinking yuck.... get your lips off my baby! I really wish people could just look and not touch...like a museum. Now I had all these feelings with Ezra but they are much stronger this time around. Stronger because I have two babies to "protect" and because they have been sick most of their lives. So that is a little bit about how I feel. It truly feels TERRIBLE! Anyone who suffers with any anxiety will understand. I wish I could just go into hiding for the first several months after giving birth!!! The ONLY reason I allow visitors over is because I love you. I really don't like visits because of how much anxiety it creates. I know I will feel better in a few months when they are a little older. At least I did with Ezra. I hope that someday this won't be a issue for me anymore!!!! Or maybe I will just learn how to voice how I feel......to someone other then my computer screen :) It really isn't fun. I wish I could bring my little babies around the people I love without freaking out! To some of you this may be a big shock. It's something I've tried to hide for a long time. I'm tired of pretending! I did it to please everyone else, everyone but me. That's not ok. Ryan has had to suffer with me as well. If I have offended anyone by not visiting them after they have their babies I am very sorry!!! I will not ask to visit you or hold your babies. I just treat you how I would like to be treated because I'm unsure of how you feel.

Just keeping it real!

This is a picture of Lucy & Levi at four weeks. A little preview of the photo shoot we did.

Six Weeks

Levi- 8lbs 2oz 21 inches, three pounds weight gain in six weeks! He is almost as big as Ezra was when he was born, Ezra was 8lbs 6oz and 21 1/2 inches.

Lucy- 6lbs 14oz 20.5 inches She is our tiny girl! It may not seem like a big weight gain but she lost weight for the first two and a half weeks so it really is good.

In my last post I said that I thought we were almost done with the thrush. NOT SO MUCH!!! Just a couple of days ago Levi woke up with a white mouth (the white never left Lucy completely). Lucy has had a hard time eating because of this. Levi sometimes cries out because of the pain. I really hope it doesn't mess up his eating! We went to the Doctor to see what else he could recommend. He said keep doing what we are doing. We've done several natural treatments and one prescription, nothing has permanently "killed" the yeast.

August 19th-31st in picture

August 19th

Sunglasses and Scriptures

Ezra spent the whole day walking around looking like this.

Lately Ezra has been really into sunglasses. His new thing is to pull them down to the end of his nose and say "Hi" (like some movie star) push them back up and wave and walk away. He is so cute!

Did you ever dress alike with a sibling or a friend when you were younger? Whenever I did I called it "twiners"

So here are my twins as twiners....

The last time I dressed up as twiners was with my friend Tiffany in High School. It was the last day of Junior or Senior year, I can't remember. I do remember what we wore.....Blue American Eagle shirts, black capri pants, black flip flops and wavy hair. Oh, those were the days:)

August 20th

"This is the life!"
Levi
Ezra is REALLY into this hat!!!

We have to hide it from him so he won't wear it all the time and pry it off his head some nights before bed.

We joke around that he is our little hobo. This day in particular he looked like a hobo as he decided to drag around this Trader Joe's bag.

August 20th

Levi

I made this bow for Lucy before she was born, out of ribbon my sister used for my shower. She was sleeping so sweetly I couldn't resist doing a little photo shoot.

Sunbathing

August 22nd

YES.....I know this bow is as big as her head.

Lucy looks like such a little lady! Thank you Jenna for the cute dress.

August 24th

Sibling Love

This was totally unposed. I walked in to check on L&L and I found Levi had his arm around Lucy. I got the camera out and started snapping away.

Mr. Potato Head

I was feeding the babies and Ezra comes in eating a whole potato. Some kids get into candy, my boy gets into potatoes.

August 25th

It's really hard to eat when your sister has her feet in your face!

August 26th

Uncle Aaron

Lucy, Daddy and Ezra

My Parents live in Australia so I can't get the regular picture of Grandpa and the babies so I got creative....Levi & Grandpa

Lucy & Grandpa

These are pictures I took while Skyping with my Dad.

August 28th

Twin nursing pillow, this pillow is so awesome! I can't wait until the babies can eat well enough on their own so they can nurse together and I can use this pillow.

August 29th

Mommy Levi & Lucy

So I was tired so looking like a shlumpadinka (a word made up by Oprah)!!!! What is a shlumpadinka? You can look it up on Urbandictionary.com. Basically it's woman who usually has several kids, who wearing the sweats she has worn for the last two days and has given up on the way she looks. I haven't given up on my looks, I just don't have the time. I have to fight for the chance to eat! Most of my meals are spent with one baby nursing and the other is usually crying. I was so tired of looking terrible ALL the time that I took a little time and made myself look presentable. F.Y.I. The babies were crying and I missed breakfast to achieve a little prettiness.

August 31st

How sweet sharing the bouncy seat.......

The happiness didn't last long....less then two minutes.

So we've done a photo shoot of the babies since all these pictures were taken but that's about it. Things have been WAY too crazy! I started this post on the 7th and today is the 15th!!! Yes that's how long it takes me to do a post these days.

We still have Thrush but I'm hoping we are on the tail end of it (fingers crossed). Their colds seem to be better...YAY! I got a breast infection on the other side:( but I am better now:) Levi's eating pretty good :) but Lucy still is having a hard time:( They both still have a way to go before they are pros.... I hope it gets easier soon! Yesterday (most days) I had one off them attached to me the whole day, not the whole day just 19 hours of a 24 period. We are all worn out! Ezra is "TWO"..... not really but he sounds like a two year old. Every answer is no. For some reason he says no when he wants to say yes. We are working on this. Levi is getting heavy and long. Lucy is petite.

I am thankful we are on the path to healthy! I am also thankful for my trials. I see others who are dealing with their trails and I'm thankful for mine. I am glad our Heavenly Father knows each of us and knows what we can handle!!!

The adventure continues.....

I wish I could tell you that that we've gotten into the groove with this whole twin thing and that we sit around all day just oohing and awing over our babies. Well....not so much. So here is a little bit of whats been going on.

Thrush- As of August 13th the babies and I have thrush.....and we STILL do. Just when I think it's getting better it gets worse again. We've been trying different methods of healing. The hard thing is that there are two babies so we can just keep reinfecting each other. I am doing everything I can to prevent this but we still have it. If it's not gone by Saturday we will be trying something new. This is annoying, it hurts and it's getting expensive!

Colds- Ezra got a cold sometime in the first week. It passed to Daddy, Mommy and the babies. Mine wasn't bad. Ryan was really bad but is feeling a lot better. The babies still have stuffy noses. Poor kids!

Nursing- We went to the lactation consultant twice in the first week to get things off to a good start. Then we got thrush, wrench # 1, then colds, wrench #2. It's hard to eat when your nose is stuffed up! The thrush makes their mouths itch which makes it hard for them to latch on right and eat properly. Causing pain for Mommy and poor weight gain for the babies. If nursing wasn't really important to me I would have given up by now!!! Thankfully, the babies have been able to gain some weight! Haven't weighted them this week, but as of last week they were on the right track. YAY! Another thing I am thankful for is as of yesterday the babies are starting to nurse better. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! I am looking forward to the day when I nurse them both at the same time without worry! Right now I have to feed them separately and I have to help them the whole time to make sure they are effectively eating. Right now I am just thankful they are eating! My latest nursing woe...plugged ducts/breast infection. Painful and annoying. That's is all I will say about that.

A/C- What do you do when you have 4 day old twins and your A/C goes out? Cry. Pack up the kids and head to a friends house to stay cool. Repair A/C unit. What do you do when you have 10 day old twins and your A/C unit goes out? Not goes out. DOORKNOBS......as in dead as doorknobs. CRY. Pack up and spend the night at a family members house. CRY. Buy a new A/C unit. And...CRY....A LOT!!!! Yes, our A/C unit died and my bank account is in mourning. Do you know how much A/C units cost? Look it up. Let just say goodbye saving hello debt. I really don't know how to find the positive in the fact that it went out. I try to find something positive in "BAD" situations. So here is my attempt.....Our house is now cooler and maybe our power bill will be less.....that's the best I can do. Thank you Kacey for having us over. A big thank you to my aunt and uncle for letting us stay the night/whole next day.

PPD- Now after you have a baby it is normal to get a little bit of the baby blues. Your hormones are shifting and your body is just a mess! I had one day that was more then the blues. I really feel like I can say I know what Postpartum depression feels like. It is horrible!!! I am thankful for a wonderful husband who helped me move through that day so PPD didn't become a more permanent part of my life! I had to make a choice, I had to choose to be happy. Well at first I had to choose to want to want to be happy. If you have ever been in that situation you know exactly what I'm talking about. I felt SO unhappy that I could not see any good. I felt darkness all around me. Sometimes it is hard to be happy. I was feeling really frustrated. I had two sick babies, I was sick, I was sore, things around the house were breaking down costing lots of money, I have had almost no sleep for a LONG time, the babies were not eating well and were not gaining weight (which is really frustrating when all do do is nurse all day/all night.) This and more was all I could see. I could not see all my blessings. I am thankful that I can now see good! Things haven't changed, I've changed. Life is STILL hard, but I have learned how to find some joy (even if it's just one good thing) each day. I still get sad. I still cry. But I have joy.

I don't share this to air my dirty laundry to the world or for you to feel sorry for me. I share this with the hope that it will help someone. As women we feel we need to be Super Women. Everything must be made from scratch, our homes must be in perfect order ALWAYS, we must look perfect and our children must be perfect in every way. I'm letting you know that I AM NOT PERFECT and it's ok! It's ok if you aren't perfect either. It's ok if you need help and it's ok to ask for it.

Grandma- Is very busy! She gets Ezra up almost every morning. Watches Ivy while Ashley works. Takes care of some of the household chores....cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. Teaches childbirth classes. And is constantly looking up all my nursing questions, there have been A LOT! She has put up with me. She does all this and more. We are blessed to have her here!!! This has NOT been a vacation for her in the lest bit! I keep hoping things will slow down so we can do something fun together before she leaves, I'm still hoping. I am having a hard time because I don't know when I will get to see her again. I'm going to miss her!!! I LOVE YOU MOM!!!

Ryan- Is on leave from work.We originally planned on him taking off after my mom left but with everything going on here we needed him now. He also wasn't able to get enough sleep with babies crying at night so it's better he's not tyring to work! I am so thankful that I have a helpful husband!!! He does whatever he can to support me. His current project is working on his motorcycle. He is going to sell it so he is getting it in tip top shape for someone else to enjoy. So if you know anyone looking for a bike let us know.

Ezra- Is such a good big brother. He loves the babies (sometimes a little too much) and likes to help us with them. He has been singing, ABCs and twinkle, twinkle little star are his favorites. Sometimes when he is down for his nap we hear him singing. It is one of the cutest things! He will sing the song and then shout YAY and clap for himself. It's SO cute! He played with play dough for the very first time with Grandma and LOVED it! He did such a good job with it. He didn't make a big mess and it kept him entertained for quite a while. Ezra has learned about timeouts. He is at that terrible twos age. It also doesn't help that he has been a bit neglected as of late. I still can't do as much with him as I would like but I am thankful for the small moments. He snuggled with me for about twenty minutes the other day. PURE JOY! He is still a sweetheart!!!

Levi- Mr. Patient! He will wait quietly for his turn to eat (Not always, but most of the time). I can just tell that he will be a very kind and patient. He went from weighing 8 ounces less then Lucy to weighing several ounces more. Lucy will someday be very grateful that her brother weighs more then her. He and Lucy smile a lot in their sleep and I love it!

Lucy- She is a very strong girl. I hope she uses her strength for good! Right now she uses it to tell us how she is feeling. She has looked like a girl from the beginning and she gets more beautiful everyday.

I love all my babies!!!!

Me- Well you've heard enough about me. I am trying to enjoy this crazy time. I was just thinking about the song "You're gonna miss this" It's true. Someday when I have three teenagers I'm going to think that thrush and nursing problems, I'd liked to go back to those problems.

Don't worry.... my next post won't be boring like this one and it will have pictures!