Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Anxiety/Six weeks

I hesitate to write this post because I don't want to offend anyone and I don't want to sound like a total weirdo! But I've been very candid as of late, so why stop now!?!

My anxiety started when Ezra was a baby. Someone held him for a really long time(no I will not tell you who this person is so don't ask). This was almost two years ago but I can remember it as if it just happened. As this person was holding him I remember thinking over and over give me my baby back, give me my baby back! I did not feel comfortable voicing this out loud, so I sat in silence. When I got Ezra back he no longer smelled like my sweet baby, he smelled like the person who had been holding him. After they left I lost it! I bawled for quite a while. Some animal instinct was unleashed within me. You know how they tell you not to touch kittens when they are first born, because the mother cat will reject them and eat them. Of course you all know I didn't eat Ezra.....I'm not that crazy! So because of this experience combined with a few others and just my "weird" feelings (I don't blame anyone for my "issue"!), I do NOT like ANYONE holding my babies! In fact I would use the word hate. The ONLY exception, goes to the people who live under my roof. I know some of you think I'm crazy because you are thinking, What is the big deal with people holding your baby? I don't know. Others are thinking, Just ask for your baby back or say no when they ask hold the baby. It's your baby. I feel uncomfortable doing this. I feel like people will be thinking.....What's her problem, or man she's selfish. Now if a complete stranger asked me to hold my baby I would have no problem saying no. Saying no to a family member or close friend is just hard for me. So, I say yes. I say yes out of obligation. I say yes so I'm not thought of as rude or weird. I KNOW there are people out there who do not think I am weird or rude because they they feel the same way. To those people I say....I feel your pain! For those who think I'm CRAZY and have no idea what this feels like let me try and shed some light...... I can't really explain why I have SO much anxiety. This is something I ask myself over and over.

Whenever we are having visitors over or we are going to a friend or family members house (anywhere where people I know will be ) I freak out! Ryan literally gives me a pep talk and holds me as I cry. Just thinking about people touching my baby/babies or holding them is enough to make me breakdown and cry. So that's before the visit. During the visit if Ryan or I are holding the baby/babies I'm nervous thinking......ok I know they want to hold the baby, but I really don't want them to. If someone else is holding the baby/babies I'm thinking....I hope they give me the baby back soon, how long are they going to stay, I can do this, and much more. Sometimes I just talk a lot to try and block out these thoughts and feelings, other times I just kind of shut down and just hope it will be over soon. I do ok if someone holds them for a minute or two (under five minutes). Ok. Anything longer then that I'm totally freaking out. I "need" them to check in with me or Ryan, I need to reconnect. I HATE when my baby gets passed around like a football, everyone holding them, everyone but me! As far as kissing goes I don't freak out too bad if a family member gives them a kiss on the top of the head. Anyone kissing them on the face or hands FREAKS me out, I hate people kissing all over them!!! I wonder if they have been sick, has anyone in their family been sick, are they getting sick and don't yet know it, most of all I'm thinking yuck.... get your lips off my baby! I really wish people could just look and not a museum. Now I had all these feelings with Ezra but they are much stronger this time around. Stronger because I have two babies to "protect" and because they have been sick most of their lives. So that is a little bit about how I feel. It truly feels TERRIBLE! Anyone who suffers with any anxiety will understand. I wish I could just go into hiding for the first several months after giving birth!!! The ONLY reason I allow visitors over is because I love you. I really don't like visits because of how much anxiety it creates. I know I will feel better in a few months when they are a little older. At least I did with Ezra. I hope that someday this won't be a issue for me anymore!!!! Or maybe I will just learn how to voice how I someone other then my computer screen :) It really isn't fun. I wish I could bring my little babies around the people I love without freaking out! To some of you this may be a big shock. It's something I've tried to hide for a long time. I'm tired of pretending! I did it to please everyone else, everyone but me. That's not ok. Ryan has had to suffer with me as well. If I have offended anyone by not visiting them after they have their babies I am very sorry!!! I will not ask to visit you or hold your babies. I just treat you how I would like to be treated because I'm unsure of how you feel.

Just keeping it real!

This is a picture of Lucy & Levi at four weeks. A little preview of the photo shoot we did.

Six Weeks

Levi- 8lbs 2oz 21 inches, three pounds weight gain in six weeks! He is almost as big as Ezra was when he was born, Ezra was 8lbs 6oz and 21 1/2 inches.

Lucy- 6lbs 14oz 20.5 inches She is our tiny girl! It may not seem like a big weight gain but she lost weight for the first two and a half weeks so it really is good.

In my last post I said that I thought we were almost done with the thrush. NOT SO MUCH!!! Just a couple of days ago Levi woke up with a white mouth (the white never left Lucy completely). Lucy has had a hard time eating because of this. Levi sometimes cries out because of the pain. I really hope it doesn't mess up his eating! We went to the Doctor to see what else he could recommend. He said keep doing what we are doing. We've done several natural treatments and one prescription, nothing has permanently "killed" the yeast.


Erickson Family said...

Brittany I am the same way I would FREAK out in the hospital when they would take Ella to lay under the billy lights I was ok if my parents and siblings held her though but that was it. and I NEVER ask people to hold their babies I totally know how you feel, if you get a sling that holds them in really close it wards off some people, at least it did for me.

Kacey Nielsen said...

No! I was really hoping the thrush was almost done! That yeast needs to die!

Ha ha, I loved this post. Not to giggle at your anxiety or anything. The funny part to me is I hold other peoples babies because I like it when people hold mine and give me a break for a minute. Not too long, just a few minute's respite.

So basically you can always come to my house. I will be your new "babies off limits" advocate. When people ask, you can just turn to me. I'll tell them "No, babies are for display purposes only."

Yeah, I got your back.

Chels Allred said...

i REALLY hate when my inlaws kiss my baby. is that so rude? it makes me cringe.
Im also a freak about sick people. Milo keeps catching colds so now i am VERY rude and quiz everyone i know before i see them. "are you sick? do you know anyone who has been sick?" hahaha
I dont think anyone really LOVES to have others hold their newborns. I do think we are made to be protective and our motherly instinct wants them all to ourselves. I still let everyone hold milo, but ask my husband. I was even jealous of HIM if he had him for too long. hahaha

Amy said...

One of the things I love most about blogging is the therapy it provides. No matter what you put out there, someone else always kws where you are coming from!

Good luck with the thrush :)

Chelsea M said...

I'm glad you posted this. I don't feel the same way, but it's so good for me to read other's points of view. I'll be on the safe side in the future and never ask to hold anyone's baby. Or at least phrase it like, "if you need me to help with anything, like holding your baby or ... [list other things], I'd be happy to" so there's no pressure. Though I have my own arms full so I doubt I'll be offering to help anyone else :) Way to go on the weight gain! It's the best feeling to know your babies are thriving! Cute photo.

David and Melissa Gardner said...

I totally understand, with Ryan I was crazy and I know I will be again. For me part of it was because fall is flu season and I don't want a sick baby. Ryan got bronchiolitis after one sunday at church, and no one even touched him. I was worried that David would think I was crazy but he was really good about it and was way more protective than I was. We had what he calls the protective bubble especially with other kids where they couldn't come within arms reach of baby. When we went in public we kept a blanket over the car seat so people wouldn't be as likely to ask to touch. This got long but anyway, to sum up, I totally get how you feel. (I'm also a freak about washing/sanitizing hands before holding baby, even with myself and David.) Enjoy your little ones and let us know when you decide to bless them, we are doing ours Dec 5th.

jacksonfamiliatwins said...

Love your honesty! Hang in there, it does get easier. I totally hear ya :) You are awesome Brittany!

Tracie said...

Thanks so much for your openness and honesty. I have been googling this for the last few days. I have the exact same issues. We have had church for several nights now and when it was finally over last night, I cried when I got home for a few minutes just to release my overwhelming anxiety.It surprises me that I feel this way because this baby....which is the actual a foster baby that I got to bring home from nicu and praying so hard to adopt. Thanks so much. NOw I know, I'm not alone.